I won’t be the last one to have one, you’ve had one, the person next to you has had one, the person after that etc.
The world works in mysterious ways. Things happen which make you re-evaluate every single thing that you’ve had on your mind. Wake up calls alter your perception, your view point, your feelings and your opinion.
A couple of months ago, I found out that I would be moving. I saw my bedroom in a completely different way. It was now, the room in which I have come up with my best ideas and where I have felt truly safe from everything outside my window.
Before that, I suffered a great loss. Until you suffer that kind of loss, you will never understand what it does to you as a person and how it changes you forever. As a long time sufferer of Cyclothymia, that has only really suffered from one type of Anxiety through one period of my life. I was introduced to Social Anxiety, not by choice. Stress awakens things inside of you. I went from being the most outgoing person you can think of to a bit of a recluse. I did all of my shopping online, I couldn’t leave my house or my boyfriends house. I wouldn’t get on public transport. I wouldn’t call my friends. I would write texts to people, then delete them. I would get ready and go to leave the house, then be to afraid to do so. I was drowning in my own thoughts and ideas to a new extreme. After the hurdle, it eventually passed. I stepped outside, I went to university and I went into Manchester. I’m lucky to have beaten the vicious cycle, some never do, some still struggle and I know people who have it a lot worse. After that experience, it’s altered my perception of Anxiety and the outside world entirely.
Just the other day, I found out that my Bapoo’s brother ‘Uncle Trouble’ (as I used to call him as a little kid) was having an operation. I assumed that it was a minor operation and that it was probably a check up of some sort. Within minutes, I found out he has Bowel Cancer. My perspective changed entirely.
A couple of days ago, I found a picture of my best friend from my childhood. I remembered her. I just sat there and remembered her existence. She was taken too soon from this world. I’ll always remember how she was fascinated with the Barbie doll which came with the little brush, and hair dye pen. You could colour in the Barbie’s hair with so many different colours. I used to find every single pen in my mum’s office draw, throw them in a pile in front of us and I would use every single colour all over my Barbie’s hair. I was over enthusiastic. Bethany never did this. She always stuck to one colour, Pink. She didn’t want to destroy her doll, she wanted to take care of it and the pens you got with the doll could wash out of her hair but the ones I was using were permanent. We were playing this one time and she asked me if I would ever dye my hair, I said I wanted every colour in the rainbow and she told me, she just wanted Pink.
I thought about this memory deeply, I looked in the mirror at my new hair which was a spare of the moment decision and I felt as if she was with me in my heart, for the 5 minutes I thought about her. My perception of my hair colour changed entirely. I’ve had Pink hair before, of course, numerous times but this one day, this one thought and this one memory, adjusted my perception once again.
It feels good to have written this all down. Now it’s time for a shower and more work.
I feel thankful for every person that I have ever met in my life time. For every person I have bumped into, intertwined with and hung out with.
Past, present, future. People who have stayed, people who have left, people who haven’t even entered my life. I feel blessed, no matter the outcome and I feel no hatred or bitterness. Just positive vibes and good things for everyone, everywhere and any single person that has shown me kindness or love.
Early morning thoughts..
Sometimes I think about you as if you were a blessing to me, but in fact you were a curse.
You know you’re a decent person when you defend someone who doesn’t even like you. Reassurance that my morals are still in the right place. Good Job Jess. *thumbs up*
It got me thinking about some lyrics that I wrote a while ago:
I feel no hate within my bones,
Only warmth beneath my veins,
Why become the clone of anger,
While the rest of the world complains?
Walking with your wanderlust,
Shake off all the dirt and dust,
Blow away your ability,
to ever take another word seriously.
Life is weird and unpredictable. You think you know how you would react to certain life situations because of how you play them back in your head but you don’t actually have the faintest idea how something is going to effect you until it happens. Then when it happens and you deal with it, then what? Is that it then? That’s the way that it works? Oh, okay.
So a few people have messaged me after my ‘Apocalypse anybody?’ video asking me a few questions and I just want to clear up a few things… The video is suppose to be humorous, it’s about not taking life too seriously and panicking every time you hear the world is about to end.. and it’s about just being a FREE SPIRIT. If the world ends, the world ends. We all go together, you feel me guys?
If anyone has taken offense due to their beliefs, then I apologise for that but it was not my intention. I respect each and every single person’s beliefs even if they are completely different from my own.
As for my actual opinion on the whole thing, do I think that we’re going to see great chariots of fire come from the sky? No.
But I do feel in my heart today is a significant date for another reason. I’ll just leave a few of my thoughts with you… After EVERY great recession there is a World War and with the planets aligning we should keep our eyes pealed for the next few days for changes in our atmosphere/weather, not specific ‘times’ today such as 11.11am and 9pm which are the times we’ve been given… I think that there’s a lot of things that could be happening in parts of the world which we’re not in which make us blissfully unaware but at the same time, they could not be happening… Things happen EVERY DAY and we’re not notified about all of the Earth’s changes. Also, don’t trust your government. Keep your eyes wide open. That is all :) ♥
Is it impossible to love someone too much?
Hmm. Who knows? I most certainly love you too much.. or do I?
Is there such a thing as too much love?
It’s safe to say that ever since we met, you’ve been the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. I wonder if you’re the same..
It’s pretty scary to be honest. Does that make me an addict? .. because isn’t that what addiction is? You can’t get enough of something and you can’t stop thinking about something….
Just a thought.
Sometimes I feel like I’m sat on a big fluffy cloud, my smile is painted from one side to the other and nothing can fucking touch me because I am so happily contained in my own little cloud of madness that nothing else matters… But sometimes, I just want to die and that overwhelming feeling of frustration and darkness swallows me whole. It takes over and that’s when I hope to see my guardian angel, who sits there in all her glory smiling at me and welcoming me into the light.. Then I am sat back on the cloud and it’s as if nothing can fucking touch me and nobody can hear you scream in heaven.